my grandpa

my grandpa called me tonight at 1247 when i was at jonels downing tall cans to pre drink cuz im poor b4 we went to cha cha. papa was sounding so out of it. he said hed been waiting since 1030 for an appointment with his psycho therapist. i asked him if he meant 1030 pm or am. he said pm. obviously hes way out of it. then he wants to read me what nana wanted written on her tombstone, which my family is finally getting around to have engraved and want me to go back to boston to see her fucking tombstone get place on her grave. basically another funeral. which i cannot handle seeing again. anyway, for 45 minutes he fools around with 2 computers at his house talking about windows and java and can't even find what nana had written out before she died, what she wnated to be written and what she wanted us to hear as her parting words, because when i saw her fighting cancer squriming in bed dying right in front of me, she coudlnt' really speak, she wanted us to hear these words, but papa says its too expensive to have what she wanted written. so. he doesn't find it, and i ask him why hes awake, why hes upset and why so out of it. i tell him its past one in the morning, he says, what? i thought it was the afternoon! NO!@ its not the fucking afternoon. look oiutside obviously. old age is a terrible terrible sad heartwrenching and breaking thing, the man i knew as the most intelligent, sharp, lovable human being is alone and misses my grandma so much and is alll alone in this stupid retirement home we made him stay in in san diego cuz he was too fucked to go back to the nice house he and my grandma shared invermont. my mom went to their house in vermont after nana died and they had a crazy garage sale, basically getting rid of 70 years of things collected and a library, and all their posetions, i can't spell right now fuck, we had to move him to sd, fuck life, fuck man, fuck seeing peopel you love slowly wither away and die, and hope you'll have someone to be there for you, because god or whoever or whatever is up there or created life, knows that i am not there for him right now, im selfish, and he deserves more than what this shredded heart or sad excuse for a grandson can give back right now. im sorry